So this is what it feels like. Being dead, I mean.
My low, pathetic animal keening faded long ago. I died with us.
My heart forces blood and movement into these limbs that dangle uselessly at my sides when they are not needed. Its dogged determination is fruitless, everything in life goes to shit sooner or later. I wish I had its courage.
I've been around the bases, was on the home stretch when the dusty playing field disappeared beneath my feet and I plunged downward into nothingness. Baseball is a dead sport anyway.
For now I settle down to meals with no taste, just an awful after effect of bloating that does not fill the gaping exit wound you left. I settle for forced mechanical laughter to keep them from wondering, or pitying. I settle for showers that feel like ice no matter how far I turn the hot water knob. I shiver compulsively all day, all night. Those showers, my one small comfort. My eyes and stomach empty, rid themselves of the day's shit. Of this fucking shit universe I'm expected to live in.
For now my tears mingle with the water that gurgles down the drain. My mother thought I cried because of my math test. I'm more careful now.
At least it's nice to think that stars are real.
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